Hypocrisy

I really need to get this off my chest.

I have been a hypocrite.

Wearing the hijab when I actually don't
Acting reserved when I'm actually not.
Saying "Allahu Akhbar" instead of my much preffered expression of "OMFG!"

I'm not the demure, sweet and yes-sir type of girl.
Oh no, I'm far from that.
I'm loud, infectious, bubbly, an extrovert, argumentative, sarcastic and basically very very carefree.
I went to a school where religion was not placed as a top priority and that was a life I led for almost ten years.
I've been to concerts but never to religious sermons
I've listened to music but never to nasheeds.
I've showed off my hair and never tried to cover it.
I've called scantily clad women fashionable and fully covered women out of touch.
I've called myself a Muslim and yet I've proved to others otherwise.

I went to a religious class today, held by Ustaz Salman
I was drowsy.
Wait, scratch that.
Make that very drowsy.
Yes, I was very drowsy when I attended the class.
The topics for the day were

'people we are forbidden to marry' and 'prayers during syawal'

I barely stayed awake.
Seriously.

BARELY.

There was a group prayer afterwards, where Ustaz Salman had tried to tell us what if Nabi Muhammad does not recognize us on the Day of Judgement.

This was a man who recognizes all his followers, whether dead or alive

So imagine this, what if, on the Day of Judgement, Nabi Muhammad (PBUH) does not recognize us, supposedly a follower and fellow Muslim.

What is going to happen to us then?

Everybody was in tears, somer tried hard to control any falling drops.

I FELL ASLEEP

Everybody was bawling their eyes out and yet, I sat there quietly.

SLEEPING.

God, I mean

Seriously?

How shallow can I be to fall asleep at time where we are suppose to be thinking of God, of our religion, the only thing that should matter in this life?

For the first time in my life, I felt ashamed for not fulfilling my duties as a Muslim. And it was a simple act, an innocent act of giving in into your needs and yet guilt engulfed like waves of an ocean.

I'm trying, really I am.

I've decided to wear the hijab even if I get back.
I'm ready to face the shock, the fear and God forbid,
The ridicule...
Every journey begins with a single step...
And I better take my first step soon.