Three Cheers to Menstruation!

It's been almost a week since I found out about my results.

A mere jaid.

They have this system of rankings;
Mumtaz, Jaid Jiddan, Jaid and Makbul

So a Mumtaz is an A+, a Jaid Jiddan is an A, a Jaid is a B and a Makbul is a C.

C is the passing mark by the way.

As I scoured through the result sheet, I couldn't help but also *happen* to *glance* or check ferverishly for other's results.

For the most parts, I could feel sadness/anger/dissapointment building up within me because well... a lot of people got higher than me. A lot!

I think it's enough to fill a country of smart people *which shall be called Smartopia or Geniustan*. With visitations from the neighbouring dumbass countries like Averagesia and United Mediocrity.

Okay, I'm digressing. Anyways, there was a lot of people who scored better marks than me and that got me thinking.

Am I dumb? Unlucky? Didn't receive the rezeki? or didn't study hard enough?

Denial told me that I was pretty much doomed to mediocre results for the rest of my life but self honesty decided that I just didn't study hard enough.

I prefer the last statement cause well... I'm not God :)

We just started semester 2.

So far so good :)

I've devised a plan to study and all, even posted up motivational quotes

*one said "John Hopkins Awaits Dr Nazeera Nasir MbbCh" and each time I look at it, I pretty much get a mental orgasm*

The topic this week was about Pregnancy and Embryology. It's pretty well laid out topic, the only dishearterning part was the fact we had to find out own objectives.

It was bad enough that we had to do the the objectives they have gave us last sem but to come up with our own was HARD.

I should go right now, cause I need to study so that I can go home and fall in love with Malaysia all over again.

Seriously, you have no idea how lucky you guys back home are.

BTW.

I got my period.
Thank the high heavens.
For a moment there I thought I was pregnant or menopausal.

and since nobody will touch me with a ten foot pole.

I often thought of the latter.

Loneliness consuming me...

Everything’s changing around me.

It finally dawned upon me that I’m not at home.

Not it Malaysia. Not at in my own bed. Not surrounded by my family and friend.

Not in college. Not in Sri Garden.

But here.

In Egypt, where there’s four seasons, nobody speaks a language I comprehend and is situated in another continent.

I’m going to start semester 2 soon and honestly, I’m shit scared.

Why?

Not because I don’t study. Hell, I study like crap if I need to. But to know whether what I study is sufficient for the exams is another story.

As I wrote on the 25 things on Facebook, my greatest fear is that:

“I'm afraid to study too hard in case that if I fail, there's no way I can get out of feeling like a failure because I've given it my all. So I settle for mediocrity, afraid to reach for the stars.”

I’ve gotten good grades before, not all consistent. The only reason for them is because I studied, even that not whole heartedly.

But imagine this, you study like mad and yet, you still get the same mediocre results compared to those so called “gifted” ones whose idea of studying includes a brief glance at the books and spending the rest of their study time browsing through Facebook/Friendster/Myspace or anything that DOESN’T include studying.

What makes life unfair is the existence of these kinds of people.

I feel really lonely here. I seriously do.

It’s not that I don’t like my new housemates. It’s just that everything is changing so fast and my housemates been friends with each other for ages and suddenly, here I come into the picture.

I miss everyone back home.

But what can I do right?

Should’ve studied for SPM .

And maybe I could’ve been doing something back in Malaysia instead of coming here.

Maybe I’m just letting the solitude cloud my judgement right now.

It’s just that, I seriously feel so out of place.

I’ve never so different before, from the IM I use to the things I use, all so very different.

I’m trying seriously I am. But sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I shun everyone out and people take this is as arrogance.

I have no sweet relationship stories to tell, no awesome boarding school tales to share, no funny sibling rivalry to brag about.

Just never felt so very ordinary before.

So bloody average.

Gosh, emo much?