PCM has finally taken it's toll on me.

Reprieve

We carve our mark,

Within the tattered soil,

Within the glimmering stars,

Like ancient footprints upon churned earth,

We mark history,

With dreams of glory,

That will emanate within our midst,

Like flickering amber in a barren oblivion

We pave our path,

Our fingers feebled and limp,

Caressing the thorns of seduction,

And yet lapping the ecstacy of denial

We lift our hands to heaven,

And close our eyes to pray,

And in the darkness of our blindness,

We find a calm, a reprieve so complete.

by Nazeera Nasir

I was feeling rather spiritual today.

This poem is about spirituality actually, leaning towards a power of prayer.

It describes the harshness of humanity, our maturity, our evolution and our constant need to achieve something better for ourselves. All this pressure, even the strongest of man would eventually be subdued by it.

We all should have a place of solace.

Some go on the internet, some blog (yeah, shut up), some even turn to immorality for some comfort from their disdaining life.

But why overlook the power of prayer?

Yes, to talk about religion in this day of age is pretty much social suicide for ANY age group, may you be in your teens or a tobacco spitting 60 year old, religion has always been a taboo subject to talk about.

A moment, even if short, with God is how a prayer should be like.

It's like you're having your own personal time with God and He has created you from scratch, literally from scratch.

or soil...

Whatever...

But He is your Creator nevertheless.

The Man Himself

A prayer, if done with honesty and is fully embodied and embraced,

I can only describe it as...

A calm,

Like when you're floating on air, and not worrying you'll hit the ground

It's beautiful really.

It's almost...

Ecstacy.

He's out :)

Faisal's been discharged from the hospital.

Today.

Ah, words cannot describe the absolute elation I feel to know that he's finally going to be on his feet in no time.

No more fluid filled vesicles on his face

No more spilled diluted blood on the floor

No more carrying the IV everywhere he goes

and most importantly

NO MORE SCREAMS OF PAIN

The first time I heard Faisal cry out was on the phone. He literally screamed, with all his might, with all torture infused in those cries.

My heart dropped.

Naturally, I thought of the worst case scenarios, cancer, stroke and other crap that pessimistic people are suppose to think.

But when the diagnosis came (after referring to several doctors mind you), it hit me like tumbling rocks.

Sinus thrombosis and infection from herpes zoster

or more in layman's term, a clot in the sinus area just behind his eye and shingles.

That was what had caused the pain, and I think I cried the first time Faisal was admitted into the hospital.

Do you know that feeling of being totally unhelpful, borderline useless?

Yes, that was EXACTLY what I felt at the time.

A mere first year medical student, who's barely passing her exams, trying to help her friend who could die.

It loomed over me for days.

So yeah, glad to have you back Cai.

And thanks so much for the several days of "belanja-ing"

Money's really low, so thanks again :)

Results.

Seriously

SERIOUSLY

Do you know how FAST a pit can form in your stomach when you hear these following words.

"Hey, the results are out today"

Oh fuck.

Exactly my very words.

Okay, not really-lah

But along those lines...

Haha, can't swear when chatting with people right?

They might think I'm this immoral KLite who thinks swearing is so cool.

Pfft, sue me.

ANYWAY...

Yeah, the results were released on Monday, a DAY after the exam.

Omg, I swear I wanna kill the idiot who thought it was a great idea to release the results UBER fast.

Ah, hope you eat bad noodles with bugs in it, you mean person! *sounds so girly, ewww*

Anyway, Picka, Fatin, Faisal and I along with Baby(my other housemate) and Jimmy (musyrif) went to the university at 9 pm.

This is awesome bit.

Supposedly, somebody told us that that university is open until 12.

PFFT!

We entered, with Fatin and I running in front until the top of the stairs when suddenly Picka (who was behind) was stopped by the guards.

We stopped for awhile, to listen to what the guards were saying to Picka, and soon, there was a group of people consisting of Faisal, Picka, Baby and Jimmy trying to convince the guards to let us up.

Mind you, Fatin and I were already top of the stairs.

So yeah,

WE MADE A RUN FOR IT.

You heard it.

We went all *Tom-Cruise-Like-In-Mission-Impossible-Not-On-Oprah*. So quiet, stealthily running to see our results

Just the two of us.

In the empty university.

My god, I felt how it was to be a criminal and it was...

AWESOME

So yeah, we managed to escape the guards and see our results.

I got 16.5.

a Jaid.

Again.

Well, that's what you get for last minute studying eh.

But nevertheless, still quite happy because well, it was a hard paper.

I would divulge the results of others but it's THEIR results, not mine.

Any inquiries, ask them :)

I'm going to bed. It's 2 am and I just finished my notes.

Tired...

See ya again :)

EXAMS!

I haven't actually talked bout something else BESIDES my menstrual cycle.

To less perverted things

It'll be difficult but I'll try :)

Okay...
Hmmm...
Banana?
Still perverted?
Yes?
No?
Fine, let's talk about

EXAMINATIONS

Yes, today was my Semester 2 Mid Semester Examination.

What is that I hear you ask?
*yes, I have microphones in your bedroom, don't worry, I won't tell anyone about the *sounds* I hear at night*

It's an exam I have each semester, this is the mid term while the finals is in 7 more weeks.

And after that, you know what it means

*if I pass, get a scholarship, get my CAMERA, and tell everyone who doubted me "Fuck You"*

MALAYSIA

Home :)

So far, this is my track record

Semester 1

Mid Semester: 18.5/25 (Jaid or Good)

Finals: 70.5/100 (Another Jaid or Good)

The scoring are as follows:

85 - 100 (Mumtaz or Excellent)

75-84 (Jaid Jiddan or Very Good)

65-74 (Jaid or Good)

60-64 (Makbul or Pass)

So yeah, not exactly the dumbass I was back in school *pats back*

This is the scenery after the exam... filled with cries of

YA ALLAH, SUSAH!

and

TAK BOLEH BUAT!

Those are my friends, Picka and Faisal. Picka's my housemate and Faisal is obviously not.

On another note, Faisal's Egyptian friend came and had lunch with us today at Nusantara.

And we were trying to figure out what's squid in Arabic.

And we were trying to EXPLAIN to him what is a squid in the first place.

And Picka said this.

"Ikh squid fi arabi?" (what's squid in arabic)

"Squid, sotong...? You know... FRIEND TO PRAWN?

Goes without saying Picka, stick to being a doctor.

Haha, sayang kau lagi.

Later people :)

Argh... the wait is killing me.

It's been officially bout a month that I haven't updated this blog.

You know how I know *don't tell me cause I checked the date, believe me I didn't... too much hassle to look back into my own laziness :)*

My period hasn't come yet :(

ARGH! MENOPAUSE....

Omg, you know what this means?

I'm gonna have to adopt!

My dad's gonna lose his lineage.

No little fat Chinese looking babies.

Nobody's gonna inherit my straight hair.

No kids with facial moles.

No one's gonna get my disproportionate eyes.

Or my height.

Or worst still...

MY SARCASM!!!

....

PERIOD, COME BACK!!! :(

Anyway, sorry for the late updates. I've been disheartened by the very few comments on my cbox :).

But since many have been egging me on to update, here I am.

Exam's coming, another 6 days to be exact.

To say I'm scared shitless is a total understatement. Being scared shitless is being chased after the kakak-kakak purdah *aka Malaysians-Pretending-To-Be-Egyptian- Ninjas* and I'm even willing to take that risk right now.

Our case for last week was about a homosexual man who contracted HIV.

Pfft.

Homophobe much?

Of all the people in this world, a HOMO had to contract HIV. Yeah, like a gay man is so promiscuous to go fuck around his other *most probably hot, well manicured/pedicured/with eyebrows waxed* gay brothers.

Arab, please.

Like there aren't HIV infected hussies waiting for you to put a coin in her slot
*you see what I did there, I used a EUPHEMISM for sex, I'm demure like that*

I'm ranting. Anyway, I just don't like labels. For example;

• You have AIDS - Gay
• You have syphillis - Slut
• You have tattoos - Gangster
• You ride a bike - Rempit
• You like Mawi - Kampung *this is usually true, but hey... why label you when you already AFUNDIed your ass off :)*

Ah, I gotta go to the toilet. Till next time, see you again People-Who-Have-Nothing-Better-To-Do-Than Read-Ma-Blog :)

Three Cheers to Menstruation!

It's been almost a week since I found out about my results.

A mere jaid.

They have this system of rankings;
Mumtaz, Jaid Jiddan, Jaid and Makbul

So a Mumtaz is an A+, a Jaid Jiddan is an A, a Jaid is a B and a Makbul is a C.

C is the passing mark by the way.

As I scoured through the result sheet, I couldn't help but also *happen* to *glance* or check ferverishly for other's results.

For the most parts, I could feel sadness/anger/dissapointment building up within me because well... a lot of people got higher than me. A lot!

I think it's enough to fill a country of smart people *which shall be called Smartopia or Geniustan*. With visitations from the neighbouring dumbass countries like Averagesia and United Mediocrity.

Okay, I'm digressing. Anyways, there was a lot of people who scored better marks than me and that got me thinking.

Am I dumb? Unlucky? Didn't receive the rezeki? or didn't study hard enough?

Denial told me that I was pretty much doomed to mediocre results for the rest of my life but self honesty decided that I just didn't study hard enough.

I prefer the last statement cause well... I'm not God :)

We just started semester 2.

So far so good :)

I've devised a plan to study and all, even posted up motivational quotes

*one said "John Hopkins Awaits Dr Nazeera Nasir MbbCh" and each time I look at it, I pretty much get a mental orgasm*

The topic this week was about Pregnancy and Embryology. It's pretty well laid out topic, the only dishearterning part was the fact we had to find out own objectives.

It was bad enough that we had to do the the objectives they have gave us last sem but to come up with our own was HARD.

I should go right now, cause I need to study so that I can go home and fall in love with Malaysia all over again.

Seriously, you have no idea how lucky you guys back home are.

BTW.

I got my period.
Thank the high heavens.
For a moment there I thought I was pregnant or menopausal.

and since nobody will touch me with a ten foot pole.

I often thought of the latter.

Loneliness consuming me...

Everything’s changing around me.

It finally dawned upon me that I’m not at home.

Not it Malaysia. Not at in my own bed. Not surrounded by my family and friend.

Not in college. Not in Sri Garden.

But here.

In Egypt, where there’s four seasons, nobody speaks a language I comprehend and is situated in another continent.

I’m going to start semester 2 soon and honestly, I’m shit scared.

Why?

Not because I don’t study. Hell, I study like crap if I need to. But to know whether what I study is sufficient for the exams is another story.

As I wrote on the 25 things on Facebook, my greatest fear is that:

“I'm afraid to study too hard in case that if I fail, there's no way I can get out of feeling like a failure because I've given it my all. So I settle for mediocrity, afraid to reach for the stars.”

I’ve gotten good grades before, not all consistent. The only reason for them is because I studied, even that not whole heartedly.

But imagine this, you study like mad and yet, you still get the same mediocre results compared to those so called “gifted” ones whose idea of studying includes a brief glance at the books and spending the rest of their study time browsing through Facebook/Friendster/Myspace or anything that DOESN’T include studying.

What makes life unfair is the existence of these kinds of people.

I feel really lonely here. I seriously do.

It’s not that I don’t like my new housemates. It’s just that everything is changing so fast and my housemates been friends with each other for ages and suddenly, here I come into the picture.

I miss everyone back home.

But what can I do right?

Should’ve studied for SPM .

And maybe I could’ve been doing something back in Malaysia instead of coming here.

Maybe I’m just letting the solitude cloud my judgement right now.

It’s just that, I seriously feel so out of place.

I’ve never so different before, from the IM I use to the things I use, all so very different.

I’m trying seriously I am. But sometimes I get so overwhelmed that I shun everyone out and people take this is as arrogance.

I have no sweet relationship stories to tell, no awesome boarding school tales to share, no funny sibling rivalry to brag about.

Just never felt so very ordinary before.

So bloody average.

Gosh, emo much?